Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Insomnia Ramblings

I had a period in my life where I went months without sleep - and not the same period my darling son was an infant. It doesn't hit too terribly often anymore. I have rebuilt my life into something more balanced, more real, less dramatic. I have worked hard at developing my "stress relief" arsenal of tools. So on the occasion insomnia does hit, it really kind of catches me off guard. Mostly I was thinking about work and some impending activities coming up that I'm obviously feeling unprepared for. I tried most everything in my arsenal for mental balance, So-Ham meditation, going to my "happy place", convincing the inner DJ to serve up some good quiet music. Nothing worked. So I decided to try to empty the brain. I've been making lists for work, chatting with fellow insomniacs on facebook, reading blogs, looking up prenatal yoga classes. Still, wide awake, and now getting hungry. Hungry is a dangerous place right now, as it seems to set off the "morning sickness" nausea that lasts all day The joys of being pregnant :-) Monkey hollered for me a little while ago, so it worked out well that I was already awake.  
As I read blogs on here, I am inspired to write. I'm not sure I have enough interesting things to say to gather a following or try to bring on some ads or anything, but I admire and am inspired by those who do. The Bloggess regularly makes me snort liquids out of my nose. I love reading the thoughts of my good friend Stacey in all of her blog-ventures, and her faith in God is ever inspiring to me. She is one of a rare few I've known who is truly Christian. I am open to all teachings, and her honest no-nonsense sharing of her life is inspiring. Recently, I have been enjoying Rants from Mommyland tremendously! I can't wait to participate in the Hooker Helpers next year :-) I wish I'd found them sooner. 
So to a fledgling blogger, a bout with insomnia is a welcome time to write a bit, perhaps empty the brain a little more in hopes of returning to bed for some sleep. Goodnight wherever you are! Happy 2012!

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Greatest Grammie

My earliest memories of my "Grammie", my Dad's mom, are probably somewhere around 4 or so. My Grammie and Grampie came out for Thanksgiving. I don't remember details really, just that they were there. They were kind foreign to me as a kid, they lived in Connecticut, and we lived out west. My mom's parents were pretty constant in my early childhood, but not my dad's. My Grampie seemed tall, and had icy blue eyes. He was handsome, had that funny new england accent, and didn't like to be hugged. He smoked, drank, and told me to "go play in traffic kid" once according to my mom. My Grammie had small, delicate hands, a kiss that always had lipstick, and also, was kind of funny about hugs. Grampie died when I was 6, and I remember we were all sitting at our round table in military housing in California, with those high-backed wicker chairs when the call came. My dad cried a bit.
Grammie remarried a man named "Frank" a few years later, and those are where my real memories of her start. We all went to Walt Disney World that year with her and Frank, and his Daughter Bonnie and her kids, who were about our age. Frank was over 6 feet tall, and had this deep voice. He liked to answer any time you called him with "Yessss?" just like Lurch from the Addams Family :-) He could play the piano like no one I'd ever known, and I remember playing with him a bit. They would come for Thanksgiving, and stay at a hotel. I always thought that was odd, but now, as an adult, I get it.  A strange house with kids and pets is not restful. Grammie was a constant long distance Grammie through those years. She would send odd gifts like a 12 pack of different colored lipsticks, or clippings from the paper she thought we might like. We talked on the phone some, she was always interested in hearing about my horse adventures, and didn't understand why I wouldn't take up modeling. She came to my high school graduation, and shortly after that started paying for my college education. She expected nothing in return except for an occasional phone call and thank you note.
As an adult, it was fun to actually get to know her as a person. She was very "East Coast", very direct, a bit impatient, and generally called it like she saw it. This could be a bit grating on the nerves, as we were raised out west and generally didn't call someone "stupid" even if they were acting such. I didn't always get thank you notes off to her in a timely manner, and now I understand why that is frustrating. She shocked everyone in the entire family by moving out here to Colorado not too long after Frank's death. She had never lived more than 10 miles from the house she grew up in, so it was quite a surprise on so many levels. It was also an opportunity to know her as an adult that my brother and I both welcomed.
She had her own one bedroom pad downtown in Colorado Springs. It was a wonderful "retirement village", and she quickly made a reputation for herself. "Winnie" as she was known around there played cards, sharked the men in pool, started the "Born Again Virgins Club", and hosted cocktail parties at her place. She used to joke that "the problem with this place is that it's full of old people". She made many friends there, including Art, who was sharp as a tack right up until he passed at 93. She was full of life pretty much right up to the end. On Hubby's birthday the end of September, we went out to the Golden Bee for lunch, and she ordered a coke with a shot of whiskey on the side. "You get a full pour of liquor that way, if they mix it they short you!"

We're all going to miss her.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Where does the time go?!?

It's been over a year since I blogged...not sure my thoughts are all that interesting anyway, but whatever. Sometimes it feels good to just write whether anyone is reading or not :-)
So much has happened in a year. Bought a beautiful home, and am finally starting to feel "settled" again. The townhouse was so beautiful and the setting was spectacular, hearing my neighbor's TV through my bedroom wall was not. Had my first wedding anniversary...man this year has flown by! I hope they slow down a bit, I enjoy every moment with Man and don't want it all to pass too quickly. Attachment, the root of all suffering, yep. I'm attached!
Monkey started kindergarten. Hard to believe! He's 5 going on 20, knows everything about everything, and when he doesn't he makes it up. Yep, he's going to be a salesman! He is currently obsessed with "Angry Birds", and wants them painted in his room on the walls. He has the stuffed birds, plays the game on my phone and Man's computer every chance he gets, has me make his hair stick up like angry bird hair in the morning... He loves playing with his cousin Tony...those two are going to be hell on wheels! A couple of handsome boys...lock up your daughters! He loves going out to Gammie and Pa's, and has become quite the block building afficionado :-)
Pearl is old. Just old. She's slow, selectively deaf, kinda blind, and can't really go up and down stairs. It's sad, but she's still happy for the most part. Boy loves her and she loves her boy.
Mickey is preggers, and I can't wait to meet Custom Moonshine! I'm excited and hopeful about getting back in the show pen... it's been 4 years now, almost 5, and I've missed it terribly! Life has been a whirlwind of change, but it's been for the better and I'm coming out the other side much stronger for it.
So to that end...I have to thank him (you know who....). While the entire experience is not one I'd recommend or choose, sometimes it takes being torn down to one's very foundation in order to rebuild. Life polishes us like a fine gemstone, molds us like clay if you will. If you're too stiff it just breaks you. If you're too flexible and mushy, well then it's awfully hard to hold any shape. I am in a very transitional period in my life right now, I'm finding out who I really am and who I want to be. New doors are opening to me every day, and the learning process has just been fascinating! I'm excited to see what comes next, be it good or bad. And at the end of the day, I have to thank those in my life who have provided me with such powerful learning opportunities. It has been painful to the very core of my being, but it needed to be. Some of the most beautiful flowers bloom only after the forest fire has ravaged the land. I was too stuck in the rut of stagnation and unhappiness before, so deep I couldn't see out at all. It's a bit strange to think about where I was, and to look around now. Man have things changed! For those of you still in my life, thank you. I love ya'll!
So next time, perhaps we'll talk about food, lifestyle, yoga, I don't know. I'm just going to keep on rambling and see where it goes :-)


Sunday, August 15, 2010

T minus 6 days...


To being Mrs. Charles W Stanton.
Wow!
I am really starting to get excited! He is a wonderful amazing person, human as we all are, patient, kind, understanding, loving, smart, funny, handsome...
I could go on :-)
There are a few little details to complete the planning for this weekend. At the end of the day, we're just excited to have our closest family and friends be there when we exchange vows. We're learning to dance together, going to have incredible food and spectacular cake, and just a fun weekend all the way around. The ceremony will be simple, the party small. And it will be our day. The first day of the rest of our life together.
I love you Sweetie!

Monday, August 2, 2010

A reason, a season, or a lifetime...


I've spent some time wondering lately if I don't speak English 100% of the time. I've recently had several misunderstandings or flat out conflicts with people I care about very much. This has had me looking in the mirror several times over the last few months and wondering what I'm doing wrong. It's in my hard wiring to always assume everything is my fault, and I've had some long periods in my life where I had relationships based on this I'm pretty sure. So I spend all this energy making sure everyone around me is happy, no matter how this drains me. I have managed to sever ties with some of those who took advantage of that and were giving nothing in return. In the meantime, relationships with others have fallen apart and I'm not sure why. I have been trying to give...there are only so many times you can ask someone if they need anything, or do they want to hang out, or what can you do to help them, and when the answer over and over again is no, or nothing, or you make plans that constantly fall apart, that you begin to wonder if it matters to them as it does to you. So you take a little step back to see what happens, and things fall apart. This sucks, you feel selfish, like you're playing some stupid game, and at the end of it, you lose the relationship. But you look in the mirror and know that you tried. You tried over and over to see how you could help or what you could do, and the other person pushed you away. After 11+ years of this game with one person you got tired of the games and stopped playing. Peripherally, several other relationships fall apart and you wonder if its you?
UGH!
So I don't know what to do anymore. I guess the people who are staying in my life for longer than just a reason or a season understand that life happens, you try when you can, you don't give more than you're capable of because it drains you and leaves nothing left to give anyway, and when you need help you always know you can ask for it. That email forward comes to mind lately... "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime".
Someone I love very much once told me it was difficult to get into my inner circle, but once there, I don't let go and I'd do anything for them. Everyone has their own path through this life, everyone has lessons to learn. I hope your crossing of my path has been pleasant, and I hope you'll stay awhile. If not, I wish you well in your journies, and I'll think of you from time to time.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Getting there...


So the icky stomach bug took more than 2 weeks to get over. Man that was some bad timing!! So one of the side effects of this is that my usual marathon of unpacking has not happened. This has resulted in some feelings of "unsettle"... but its slowly coming together. There are no more boxes in our bedroom, only one box in the living room, and down to 3 boxes in the office. So we're getting there. We did also get the wedding invites out last week, and there are a few stragglers going out this week. Hard to believe the wedding is less than 5 weeks away! So many little details to finish up. I'm overall pretty relaxed about the whole thing right now...will see if it stays that way! Thanks Stacey for making such simple, beautiful invites!
:-)
In other good news, my dad got a job, I sold my colt, my fiance and son are happy and wonderful, so life is really pretty good!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Goodbye Old Friend...


What a Monday it was... I was just about to run out the door for work when I noticed a major issue with Tigger. Tigger was my 16 year old, 25+ pound orange cat. Chip had been threatening to get him a lasagna pan to sleep in :-) He was laid back, easy going, loud purring, and just generally an all around cool cat. He tolerated my son lying on him, loved a good belly rub, and kept his harem of other cats in line. He actually outweighed my son until quite recently! He was affectionately known as "Biggie Tig", and he was the pimp daddy around here. When Pakhet moved in (Chip's beautiful girl), he would just walk toward her with this attitude of "I'm in charge here, no one hangs on my block without my permission"... to which Pakhet usually gave the finger and ran off. He was always first to eat (and never missed a meal!), first to drink, first to the box, first to catnip, occupier of all sunbeams, and always, ALWAYS had first pick of who got to sleep where with the humans in bed. He will be sorely missed, and fondly remembered. Tonight when monkey asked "Where's Tigger momma?", I wasn't quite sure what to say. He asked if Tigger was still at the doctor, and if he'd come home tomorrow. I told him Tigger wasn't coming home anymore. Monkey replied, "Well, he should go to Florida, the doctor there can fix him. Then somebody else can have him." Ahhh...3 year old logic :-)